Concrete Skills

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Dear Almighty Generic Potential Employer,

As a supplement to my resume and cover letter, I have chosen to furnish you with an easy-to-read list of my concrete skills.

Here are the things that I know I am good at:

 

Reading

Text analysis

Typing

Writing professional-yet-cheery emails

Pretending I speak French

Telling other people what is wrong with their writing

Crying on command

Making my roommate laugh

Making kale salads

Ordering food at restaurants

Sleeping

Carrying a tray

Watching Breaking Bad

Impersonating Alanis Morissette

Faking descriptions of wines

Making out

Being jealous of Zoe Deschanel

Here are things I’m sort of good at:  

 

Creative problem solving

Opening wine bottles

Watering my plants

Carrying three plates

Wearing lipstick

Making friends feel better about their shitty jobs

Making beds

Writing academic papers

Faking intellectual discourse (note: if I’ve had three glasses of wine, this skill gets bumped up to things I know I’m good at)

Spelling

Flirting

Coming up with plots for movies that I will never write

And in the interest of full disclosure, here are areas in which I most certainly need improvement:

 

Walking in heels

Keeping track of my metrocard

Calling my family

Not eating ramen every day

Keeping my computer organized

Not checking facebook all the goddamned time

Staying focused on my “life” as opposed to my “relationship”

Spanish

Laundry

Responding to text messages

Knowledge of dessert wines

Singing

Tactful self-promotion

Avoiding awkward situations

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.