Guys With Girlfriends

or Men Are Dogs and So Am I

I am not a saint. And as Spencer Krug put it, “Ain’t no such thing as a saint, ain’t no such thing as a sinner, oh.” But boy oh boy have I witnessed some appalling behavior.

This probably sounds really naïve, but I just had no idea how rampant this cheating thing is. Or maybe it’s me? Maybe guys with girlfriends are just really into me?

Maybe since my last boyfriend cheated on me I’m just really into guys with girlfriends? Could that be true? Because that would be pretty fucked up. Still….

I’ve had my own fidelity issues, to be sure. Like that one time in Mexico. Or the entire time I was in Paris. And then when I got back to Oberlin. Plus there was that summer I was living at home…. And yeah that thing that almost happened but didn’t in Moscow. Oops.

OK so yeah maybe monogamy is “not in my nature” as Chef put it. But, and this is so totally not an excuse, but! these were all out-of-town affairs. And they also all occurred when I was under the age of twenty-one. Except for the Moscow one, which I resisted. See! Ten points for making a grown-up decision. For once. 

What I’m talking about are ostensibly grown-ass dudes who want to pursue some sort of physical interaction with me in spite of the fact that both they and their girlfriend live in New York. Sometimes together. Like they want to come home with me instead of going home to her.

And I don’t really know how I feel about it.

Do I think cheating is the end of the world? No. While I think it was pretty fucked up of Ex Boyfriend, he is not an Ex Cool Guy just because of that. He’s an Ex Cool Guy because he tried to blame me for his cheatin’ ways. While we were still together. So, I went ahead and filed that under L for LAME. Plus some other shit, obviously.

That said, it wasn’t until after we were broken up that I realized the full extent of things. Would I have dumped him on the spot had I found out sooner? Hard to say. What with my move to NY and general sense of ennui about the whole relationship, it’s difficult to be scientific about it….

Do people only cheat because something is already wrong? Personally, I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who’s not looking forward to having sex with me (and I mean “me” as an individual, not just the idea of a vagina) at the end of the day. So if someone would rather go bang someone else, that is “wrong” in my eyes.

But what about “cheaters”? Does this breed truly exist? Those who need to sleep with other people to keep them content with the one they are committed to? Predetermined designations of polyamory and open relationships aside, here. I’m talking about those who are addicted to the thrill of doing something wrong.

I like attention, there’s no denying that. And perhaps I haven’t always had the best relationship with male attention. But when I’m really excited about someone, that’s all I want. Is it so much to ask that whoever I enter into a relationship with would feel the same way? Maybe.

Because when I think about guys who I would in theory be really jazzed on dating, several of them have approached me looking to step outside the bounds of their girlfriendy relationships. And have I automatically shot them down? No. I’ve made out with them. Sometimes more than once.

This isn’t even to get into the whole guys-who-are-married-and-hit-on-cocktail-waitress-version-of-myself thing, that’s for another day.

I’m talking about guys who you know. Good guys. Guys who have integrity and are interesting and cute and guy who have rad girlfriends who are also interesting and cute and more or less exactly like me. Except that sometimes I’m that shitty girl who hooks up with their boyfriend. Oops.

So here’s another thing: if one of these guys was to break up with said rad girlfriend, could I really date said good guy? Knowing that a year and a half down the line there would probably be an equally rad but morally unhindered girl who would satisfy all of his “she (me) is so _______” woes and help him get his ya-yas out no strings attached? How does the girl who is currently dating (like, serious relationship-style) Ex Boyfriend feel about it? Is he trustworthy in her eyes? Is that really the kind of cycle she wants to be part of? Is it really the kind of cycle that I want to be part of?

Could I be the other-woman-comme-girlfriend?

I just don’t know what someone could say to make it better. No, baby, never with you, I’m through with all that…. The fact is I wouldn’t even want to hear that shit. I wouldn’t believe it.

Because I, and almost every girl I talk to, get hit on by guys with girlfriends ALL THE TIME. And according to my informal straw poll, most of the girls I hang out with have been some sort of “other woman” at one point or another. So who can we even blame when we, regardless of gender, have all been part and parcel to the same misstep?

And the fact is, if you tell someone you cheated, you’re only looking to make yourself feel better. You either want absolution so that you can “come clean”, or you want them to break up with you. And as I’ve discovered recently, guys my age (and by "my age" I mean people who behave like they're under 35) very rarely break up with girls. They just become more and more visibly discontent until they’re no fun to be around, and then the girl has to cut the ropes and let that ship sail.

Chef has a very attractive female friend. I don’t think they’ve ever hooked up. But he acts differently around her, and she is sort of touchy-feely and territorial about him in a way that verges on weird. Like only speaks Spanish with him in front of me even though her English is pretty great and she knows I don’t speak Spanish. Like touches the back of his neck. Like comes into the apartment and opens the fridge as if she lives there.

It’s subtle enough that if I harped on it to Chef I would look like a psycho. So I don’t.

The point is, if Chef wants to fuck Touchy-Feely Female Friend, then he wants to fuck her. And he’s either going to or he’s not. And if he does fuck her, then that will be kind of a bummer for me, and our relationship will either continue or it will not. Or, if at the end of every day he’s still more interested in hanging out with me, then that’s what he will do. And no title is going to make him act one way or the other.

So that’s that. I guess when I said I want whoever I’m with to prefer me to someone else also means that I don’t really feel compelled to obsess over these ideas of exclusivity. They either want me all the time or they don’t. And if they decide they want someone else badly enough to pursue it, then that’s a bridge we'll cross. And if I can’t stomach it, then I’ll be out. And I’ll probably cry a lot and eat a pint of ice cream with Female Friend George (and by “eat a pint of ice cream”, I mean get really drunk). And then I’ll move on to a guy who I make swear his undying fidelity to me.

Or not. Because I’ve been hit on by enough guys with "girlfriends" to not put much stock in that title.