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Breaking up sucks. There’s no way around it. I am currently
experiencing my first non-circumstantial break-up, by which I mean, we both
still live here. We could make out right now, if we wanted. But one of us
doesn’t. And that’s the point.
In all of my infinite wisdom that I am rapidly gaining, I
thought I’d put a little advice out there. Because let’s face it, we aren’t all
as gifted at negotiating these life turns as yours truly. So here you go:
The first step is deciding that you want to break up. You
should probably decide this while you’re complaining to one of your co-workers
during your shift. Then you should tell said co-worker, yeah, you know what,
I’m gonna do it. He will ask you if you’re going to do it before or after your
big audition tomorrow.
Obviously you’re going to do it after, right? That’s what
you tell him.
Have two glasses of wine. Before your shift is over. Then
have another.
Go to your still-boyfriend’s apartment and try to just go to
bed like a normal human. Of course you’re terrible at hiding your feelings, you
always have been, and he’ll inevitably do something that irritates you because
let’s face it, that’s why you’re breaking up.
At this point, you should probably just spill the beans and
then leave his apartment in the middle of the night and did I mention it’s
pouring rain? How poetic.
He’s going to be pretty mad because he didn’t see it coming.
He’ll call you a bunch the next day. You’re busy prepping for your big audition
and not thinking about it no seriously don’t think about you can’t afford to
think about it right now you are “Prostitute Number One”, not “break-up girl”,
seriously get your shit together.
Go to your audition. Go to an event with your roommate,
which you haven’t done in months, because you’ve been too busy being in your
relationship. Go out with friends after the event. Tell them you broke up.
“Again?”, they will ask. Tell them yes. But for realz this time guys.
Your now-ex will still be texting you. He wants to talk about
it. He doesn’t believe it really happened. Go over the next morning, but tell
him you can’t cry because you have a photo shoot in a few hours and you can’t
have puffy eyes.
Try to state your case and feelings articulately and
sympathetically. No crying. Seriously. Don’t cry.
He will cry. You will cry. Fuck.
Get stuck in traffic on your way to your photo shoot. Get
irrationally angry. Flip off those guys in that truck. Classy.
Try not to look like a basket case in the photos. The proof
will be in the pudding on this one.
Have your girlfriends over. Drink wine. Promise you’re not
going to dominate the conversation with tales of your break-up and your
feelings. Do it anyway.
Indulge yourself in a wildly-unrealistic crush on someone
who lives on the other side of the country. Go ahead, open the can of worms.
Confess to him that you are “feeling feelings”. Pine away.
Go to a work party. Keep in mind that at these sort of
events, as long as you don’t black out, you’re ahead of the game.
Two words: red lipstick.
Dance your face off. Run around like a fucking menace. Let
some really important guy who totally controls whether or not you are employed
buy you a drink. Try not to give your phone number to more than two co-workers.
Two words: photo booth.
Go have another conversation with your ex. Just keep
talking. That always makes things better. Be sure to cover the same ground as
many times as possible. Just really dredge it all up.
Go to work. Try to make sure that someone else behaved more
embarrassingly than you did at that party. Ask subtle questions to figure out
whether or not anyone noticed your behavior.
Make way too much eye contact with that attractive Brooklyn
celebrity sitting on table twelve. Notice his wedding ring. Stop eye fucking.
Try not to spill his beer when you bring it to the table. Blush when he tells
you you’re the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. Then remember that that’s
the kind of shit people say after seven pints of beer. Feel cheap.
Have dinner with your ex. Let him touch your knee under the
table.
Make a mental list of the men you’ve already slept with that
you could, conceivably, sleep with again.
It’s someone’s birthday! Birthday parties!
Two words: more dancing.
Be sure to invite a date. Ideal candidates: guys you’ve had
on the back burner for years, people you always assumed would remain “just
friends”, and people from the list mentioned above.
Remember, every song that the deejay plays is about you and
your situation, directly. No exceptions. And definitely tell everyone this.
Watch Blue Valentine with your roommate. Take it way too
personally. Sob uncontrollably.
Sit on your couch. Listen to the Amelie soundtrack and think
about what you’ve done.
Go to yoga. Every day. So much fucking yoga.
Juice. You should probably go on a juice cleanse, right?
Yeah. Juice will make it all better.
And kombucha. You should start brewing kombucha again. Let’s
resume all of the activities that we’ve lost track of in the past year and a
half. Let’s get back on our “path”.
While you’re busy trying to be productive, your ex will show
up at your apartment unsolicited with food he has cooked for you. Tell him that
he can’t just show up like this. Feel incredibly guilty.
Talk to your boyfriend from high school on the phone. Use
spotify to find every single band you liked in 2005. New playlist.
Cultivate a crush on that guy you always see around. Drink
whisky with him until really late at night. Find out he has a girlfriend. Bang
your head against the wall.
Listen to the XX and think about what you’ve done.
Your ex leaves a croissant outside your door for you. Eat
it.
Don’t think about Valentines Day. Actually go ahead. Think
about it. Because fuck Valentines Day anyway.
Pick up a shift so that you’re working on Valentines Day.
Slowly but surely let your life stretch out into a new
thing. Develop a routine. Spend time with friends. Make things. Work too much.
Sing along to “We Are Never Getting Back Together” like it’s some sort of
mantra.
Go on some dates. Feel revitalized by the “getting to know
you” nature of those first deep conversations you have with someone. Then think
about what truly getting to know someone feels like, and realize that you can’t
do that again. Not for awhile.
Acknowledge the fact that your ex is still there. He still
lives two miles away. He will keep finding reasons to text you. And you’ll text
him back. Because he was a big deal, and he’s not going anywhere. The best you
can do is try to reconfigure the space he occupies in your brain. But you can’t
close your eyes and pretend he doesn’t exist. Realize that this is just how these things go.
Yeah, that’s all I’ve got. Breaking up sucks. Hopefully you’ve
found this guide helpful. Just follow the simple steps outlined above, and you’ll
probably be fine. Everything will probably be fine, always. Right?
